Life As A School

I would like to share something with you that was written several years ago, revised once or twice, but still relevant and true. It is perhaps an exercise in being more profound than I am currently able to be, but in every attempt there are lessons learned, and all things speak to us individually. I hope you enjoy it.

Life As A School

”Fear not that your life shall come to an end,
but rather that it shall never have a beginning.” – John Henry Newman

I remember a time when the people in my life lived forever. A time when there were things that would “never happen to me,” and suicide was an escape for people who didn't believe in God. I was going to be a landscape architect when I grew up, and when I published my first novel my family would finally be proud of something I did. And there was a time when my best ideas always came to me in the shower.

I also remember a time when I thought school was the most important part of my life. I looked forward to going every day, I did well, and I had fun. Then I started fourth grade – it was all downhill from there.

Looking back, I see that most of my education has happened outside of the classroom, and I have come to believe that my academic instruction has been the most time-consuming, expensive, and stressful task I have ever participated in. While it taught me how to read, it fell short of teaching me how to apply what I read. While it taught me about the world around me, it fell short of teaching me how to live in it. And while it taught me how to copy notes, take tests, and achieve degrees, it fell short of teaching me how to learn.

Don’t get me wrong; I have gained a lot of knowledge. The only problem with knowledge is that it doesn’t get you anywhere if you can’t use it. It simply collects in the mind as useless facts: for example, given a few minutes I could tell you the names of all fifty states – in alphabetical order – but I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about the people within their borders. I can quote Scripture passages on how to live, but I can’t honestly say that I know, with every ounce of my being, that God loves me.

And I can tell you that the odds of winning the jackpot on a scratch ticket are about equal to the chances of your submarine getting struck by lightning, but I couldn’t tell you how many men died so I would have the right and freedom to go to school and learn this useless information.

Outside of the classroom, I have learned that everyone dies – whether they’re fourteen years old and happen to be in the path of a drunk driver, or ninety-two years old and their body just can’t go on. I have learned that even “good little Christian girls” can fall victim to things. I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have given up on landscape architecture and the large amount of money I could have made in favor of working with special needs kids.

And I have realized that it doesn't matter what I do, if I’m not making enough money, most of my family will never be proud of me. These are things that school could never teach me. They are life experiences, and life experiences are what turn scared, immature, self-conscious young girls into intelligent, provocative, self-confident young women.

A New Adventure: Trinity Baptist Church

Hello and happy Sunday! Although it’s overcast and gray here in Pullman, it’s also a little cooler than it was when I returned from my trip to California, so I am very thankful for the clouds and wind! I’m also praying it brings some much needed rain to the areas with fires, as well as dampening the Palouse to keep them from spreading here.

While I haven’t been writing much this year, I have still been working on my art (I try to do at least one thing every day), and my wellness journey continues. Today was yet another step in that great adventure of my life – this morning, for the first time since being at SPU (at least 12 years, probably more), I went to a new church by myself! To some of you that may seem like a small thing, but to me it was a big step, and one I am very thankful I finally took!

Yes, it was awesome that I was able to just go, without waiting for someone to join me, silencing all of my lame excuses, getting out of bed even though I wanted to sleep longer (which, to be honest, is every day, since I don’t really sleep at night), even “dressing up” (although compared to my usual attire that isn’t saying much).


But even more wonderful was the fact that I really enjoyed the experience! The sanctuary wasn’t too big or dark, the chairs were comfortable, the music wasn’t loud, and the best part – the Pastor is a teacher! Not literally, as in he works for a public school, but he didn’t “preach”, he “taught” (I almost typed teached lol).

This is something that is very important to me, personally, in finding a new church home, and one of the main reasons I haven’t really settled anywhere since moving to Pullman three and a half years ago. I tried a few other places, and there wasn’t anything wrong with them, they just didn’t “fit”. Anyone who has gone “church hunting” understands what I mean by this. If, like me, you grew up going to the same church, then you have certain expectations and things you enjoy, partially because you’re used to them, and partially because they just “fit” – like a comfy pair of sweat pants. And sometimes it’s difficult to find a new fit.

My decision to visit Trinity Baptist in Moscow wasn’t completely random; I take my church going (and most all social activities) more seriously than that. It was recommended by Angela, who also goes there, and who is someone I have come to trust, respect, and enjoy very much. I asked her a few questions about it this past week, then found the website online, and decided to give it a go. As I said, I am very thankful I did! I will definitely be going back.

Aside from Angela, I don’t believe I know anyone there (I saw her, by the way, but didn’t say anything; I haven’t yet figured out where she fits on my chart of life relationships – family, different levels of friends, etc. – so I haven’t decided how to approach her outside of the context in which I see her regularly). In some ways that made it easier for me. I was able to sit back and watch people, check out the environment, and honestly decide if it was the right place for me.

This is just one of many blessings God has brought into my life in the past few months, and I will be sharing more about my experiences soon (as well as some art to go with it). One thing I wanted to share today, while on the subject of Trinity and this important next step, is that I realized something as I was sitting there listening to the sermon:  I chose this church for the right reason. The two previous churches I’ve attended in Pullman were chosen because I had someone to go with – first to Emmanuel Baptist with Kristen and Kylan, then to Resonate Church with Wendy and Brandon – and that’s a good thing, I really appreciate their friendships and wanting to help me find a good church home. However, I soon realized that those churches weren’t quite the right fit, and I eventually stopped attending altogether.

This morning I went because I know God was nudging me in that direction. I don’t need church to have my “quiet time” with Him, but I do need to have fellowship time with others who share my faith (something I’ve been learning as I’ve been exploring friendships this past year, but more on that in another post). A great way to find those people to fellowship with is to find a church home – and then a home group or Bible study, since there really isn’t time to socialize Sunday mornings.

I look forward to seeing how God will use this new place to speak to me and strengthen me, and I look forward to sharing that here with all of you!

This is me….do you like what you see?

I long to be understood. Even deeper than that, I long to be accepted for who I am, every piece of me, by the people I have deemed most important in my life.

This is a very human desire, one that we all share, and there’s no shame in that. And yet, most of us won’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it, let alone take steps to fulfill it. Instead, we see it as weakness. Or we put too much stock in the belief that what’s important is how we see ourselves, that self-esteem or self-confidence are the keys to being truly happy and healthy. Or maybe we did take action, back in the day, and our hearts are scarred by rejection.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do agree that how we perceive ourselves is ultimately more important than how other people perceive us. I just don’t think we should deny our basic human desire to be understood and accepted by others. These two concepts aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, you really can’t have one without the other. (I believe in psychology this is called “co-dependency”). Humans were created for relationship, to know and be known.

This includes knowing yourself, understanding who you are, why and how you became that way, and coming to a place of acceptance; which is really the first step to being known and understood and accepted by someone else. After all, how will you know if someone understands and accepts you if you don’t know who you are?

I have spent a great deal of time over the past year and a half exploring who I am and how I came to be me. One of the most significant aspects of this introspection is the fact that I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder (I’m an Aspie). There is no way to separate this from my identity, it colors everything about me – the way I think, the way I act, the way I speak and the words I choose, and most basically the way I interact with everyone around me and my world.

It’s been a fantastic journey so far. And naturally, the more I learn about myself, the more excited I become to share those things with my closest friends. (Just the fact that I can have close friends is one of the exciting things I want to share!) So I’ve decided to write them down.

I don’t have a title yet, but the format will be similar to an encyclopedia. This is actually an idea that has been rolling around in my head for the past couple of weeks; I was calling it a “friend manual” and making a list of things I want to include. Until earlier today, when a friend told me that I don’t need to make a book for other people to learn “how to deal” with me. So now I’m going to refer to it as “a guide to my cultural differences.” What do you think?

Or think of it this way:  when you put on a pair of colored glasses, the world becomes tinted by that color (let’s say blue, since that’s my personal favorite). When you look around you, everything is blue. Well, being an Aspie is kind of like wearing a pair of Aspie-colored glasses; the difference is, you can’t take them off.

This is the part where others come in. If you’ve never put on a pair of these glasses, you have no point of reference for understanding the world the way I’m trying to describe it to you. Unless I find ways to use points of reference we both share, like tinted glasses for example. This book is going to be filled with definitions and metaphors; it’s going to be a road map of sorts – not to understanding Autism but to understanding me. And it’s as much for my own benefit as it is for yours; maybe even more so.

Also, I firmly believe that my relationships will become stronger and more enjoyable if my friends come to understand me on an “Aspie-level” the way I’m learning to understand myself. This book is going to be my way of saying, “Ok friends, this is me….do you like what you see?”

Highs and Lows

So today I had my semi-monthly ADHD check up. First one since October after two cancellations by my doctor. In the last two and a half months I’ve gained a little weight, and found out that my blood pressure has been high every time I’ve come in. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m at the Doctor’s office, or physical reasons, but if it’s still high when I stop in a few weeks from now I’ll have to start taking meds for that, too. Fortunately, one simple answer:  exercise.

This wasn’t exactly news for me, but it turns out exercise – the cardio kind, that raises my heart rate (which unfortunately is already kind of high) – will help with all kinds of things. Not only is it very possible that my blood pressure will go down to a more healthy level (today it was 133/110 and then 120/100), it should also help me sleep better for a longer amount of time, lose that weight I gained back, and be able to handle stress at work more effectively.

In addition to having high blood pressure, my energy level has been more low than usual, I’ve been having migraines more often, and my moods have been staying in the not-so-great area. Exercise will help all of this as well. So as long as I get more active, and make sure I take my meds on time every day, I should start feeling more like myself again. Last summer was a very relaxing, self-reflective, growing time for me, and I’d like to get back to that place!

I also had a chance to talk to my doctor about Asperger’s, so I asked about a local support group. None that he knows of. He does see adults with autism, but his main avenue of assistance with most is to prescribe Prozac or some equivalent. We talked about my own issues being mainly in the social realm, and that perhaps taking one of my Adderall prior to a social situation would be of benefit. I have to admit, I’ve never considered that option, but it makes sense. I’m definitely going to try it, and will hopefully have more opportunities to get out and be around people in the near future! Getting back into church is a top priority, and my home group.

So I have some work to do, inside and out, but what’s new? We should all be taking time to examine our lives from every angle, and making adjustments as they become necessary. We should be growing and improving every day. This is just another step on my journey, and I love having you along for the ride!

I Am Me

“I am who I am, no approval required.”
~ Author Unknown

Before someone can like you for who you are, you have to like you for who you are; and before you can like who you are, you have to know who you are.

Most people spend their lives trying to find themselves; honestly, I don’t think anyone ever really gets there, but only those who bother trying ever get close. It’s perhaps one of the greatest and most challenging journeys a person can take, but unlike most others, every step is rewarding.

As I’ve gotten to know myself over the past few months, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am who I am. Were I less than I am, we would be less than we are. And I like who I am. I don’t need the approval of the people around me. I do however need their love and support, their respect and their encouragement. But those things only serve to strengthen who I am, and in so doing, to strengthen who we are. I’m still learning about myself, but that’s the key:  you have to keep going.