Falling

“Your life isn’t falling apart, it’s falling into place.” – God

I heard a song on the radio yesterday that had this line in it, though I may not have quoted it exactly. I attribute it to God because I feel like He was speaking those words directly to my heart at that moment. There have been many times when it seemed my life was starting to fall apart, or to unravel, that my forward progress was slipping away as I slid back into whatever I had come from, or maybe into something else entirely but just as unwelcome. Now I wonder if maybe it was the beginning of something good. Did I miss out because I was too blind to see it?

I’ve never seen God as vengeful or spiteful, hurting me on purpose or deciding to take back a blessing because I was too stubborn or selfish to receive it. But I do believe that we can miss out – the result of a natural consequence of sin, or of that same stubbornness or selfishness – but not because God changes His mind. We miss out on His blessings – I miss out on His blessings – because I don’t accept them. I imagine there have been times I’ve missed them completely, other times I’ve refused to open my eyes, my heart, my mind, my life to what He’s doing in and around me until much later. I find myself thinking about “when” this or that will happen, making plans and dreaming dreams. What if the “when” is really “now” and I’m too wrapped up in my sinfulness to see it?

There are probably many little things that God wants to do in our lives that we miss and we can’t get them back; I don’t believe the big things, the important life decisions, the major miracles and blessings, are the same way. I believe that since God knows the plans He has for me, to prosper me, to give me hope and a future, He will continue to open doors. If I close them, as soon as I turn around or take a step in a different direction, He will open another, or a window perhaps. He will never give up on me, never leave or forsake me. And the more I surrender my own selfish desires and plans to Him, the more blessings I will receive. I want to make a conscious effort to keep my mind and heart focused on Him, so that when I feel like I’m falling again, I can smile and say, “My life isn’t falling apart, it’s falling into place.”

Life As A School

I would like to share something with you that was written several years ago, revised once or twice, but still relevant and true. It is perhaps an exercise in being more profound than I am currently able to be, but in every attempt there are lessons learned, and all things speak to us individually. I hope you enjoy it.

Life As A School

”Fear not that your life shall come to an end,
but rather that it shall never have a beginning.” – John Henry Newman

I remember a time when the people in my life lived forever. A time when there were things that would “never happen to me,” and suicide was an escape for people who didn't believe in God. I was going to be a landscape architect when I grew up, and when I published my first novel my family would finally be proud of something I did. And there was a time when my best ideas always came to me in the shower.

I also remember a time when I thought school was the most important part of my life. I looked forward to going every day, I did well, and I had fun. Then I started fourth grade – it was all downhill from there.

Looking back, I see that most of my education has happened outside of the classroom, and I have come to believe that my academic instruction has been the most time-consuming, expensive, and stressful task I have ever participated in. While it taught me how to read, it fell short of teaching me how to apply what I read. While it taught me about the world around me, it fell short of teaching me how to live in it. And while it taught me how to copy notes, take tests, and achieve degrees, it fell short of teaching me how to learn.

Don’t get me wrong; I have gained a lot of knowledge. The only problem with knowledge is that it doesn’t get you anywhere if you can’t use it. It simply collects in the mind as useless facts: for example, given a few minutes I could tell you the names of all fifty states – in alphabetical order – but I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about the people within their borders. I can quote Scripture passages on how to live, but I can’t honestly say that I know, with every ounce of my being, that God loves me.

And I can tell you that the odds of winning the jackpot on a scratch ticket are about equal to the chances of your submarine getting struck by lightning, but I couldn’t tell you how many men died so I would have the right and freedom to go to school and learn this useless information.

Outside of the classroom, I have learned that everyone dies – whether they’re fourteen years old and happen to be in the path of a drunk driver, or ninety-two years old and their body just can’t go on. I have learned that even “good little Christian girls” can fall victim to things. I have lost a very close friend to suicide. I have given up on landscape architecture and the large amount of money I could have made in favor of working with special needs kids.

And I have realized that it doesn't matter what I do, if I’m not making enough money, most of my family will never be proud of me. These are things that school could never teach me. They are life experiences, and life experiences are what turn scared, immature, self-conscious young girls into intelligent, provocative, self-confident young women.

A New Adventure: Trinity Baptist Church

Hello and happy Sunday! Although it’s overcast and gray here in Pullman, it’s also a little cooler than it was when I returned from my trip to California, so I am very thankful for the clouds and wind! I’m also praying it brings some much needed rain to the areas with fires, as well as dampening the Palouse to keep them from spreading here.

While I haven’t been writing much this year, I have still been working on my art (I try to do at least one thing every day), and my wellness journey continues. Today was yet another step in that great adventure of my life – this morning, for the first time since being at SPU (at least 12 years, probably more), I went to a new church by myself! To some of you that may seem like a small thing, but to me it was a big step, and one I am very thankful I finally took!

Yes, it was awesome that I was able to just go, without waiting for someone to join me, silencing all of my lame excuses, getting out of bed even though I wanted to sleep longer (which, to be honest, is every day, since I don’t really sleep at night), even “dressing up” (although compared to my usual attire that isn’t saying much).


But even more wonderful was the fact that I really enjoyed the experience! The sanctuary wasn’t too big or dark, the chairs were comfortable, the music wasn’t loud, and the best part – the Pastor is a teacher! Not literally, as in he works for a public school, but he didn’t “preach”, he “taught” (I almost typed teached lol).

This is something that is very important to me, personally, in finding a new church home, and one of the main reasons I haven’t really settled anywhere since moving to Pullman three and a half years ago. I tried a few other places, and there wasn’t anything wrong with them, they just didn’t “fit”. Anyone who has gone “church hunting” understands what I mean by this. If, like me, you grew up going to the same church, then you have certain expectations and things you enjoy, partially because you’re used to them, and partially because they just “fit” – like a comfy pair of sweat pants. And sometimes it’s difficult to find a new fit.

My decision to visit Trinity Baptist in Moscow wasn’t completely random; I take my church going (and most all social activities) more seriously than that. It was recommended by Angela, who also goes there, and who is someone I have come to trust, respect, and enjoy very much. I asked her a few questions about it this past week, then found the website online, and decided to give it a go. As I said, I am very thankful I did! I will definitely be going back.

Aside from Angela, I don’t believe I know anyone there (I saw her, by the way, but didn’t say anything; I haven’t yet figured out where she fits on my chart of life relationships – family, different levels of friends, etc. – so I haven’t decided how to approach her outside of the context in which I see her regularly). In some ways that made it easier for me. I was able to sit back and watch people, check out the environment, and honestly decide if it was the right place for me.

This is just one of many blessings God has brought into my life in the past few months, and I will be sharing more about my experiences soon (as well as some art to go with it). One thing I wanted to share today, while on the subject of Trinity and this important next step, is that I realized something as I was sitting there listening to the sermon:  I chose this church for the right reason. The two previous churches I’ve attended in Pullman were chosen because I had someone to go with – first to Emmanuel Baptist with Kristen and Kylan, then to Resonate Church with Wendy and Brandon – and that’s a good thing, I really appreciate their friendships and wanting to help me find a good church home. However, I soon realized that those churches weren’t quite the right fit, and I eventually stopped attending altogether.

This morning I went because I know God was nudging me in that direction. I don’t need church to have my “quiet time” with Him, but I do need to have fellowship time with others who share my faith (something I’ve been learning as I’ve been exploring friendships this past year, but more on that in another post). A great way to find those people to fellowship with is to find a church home – and then a home group or Bible study, since there really isn’t time to socialize Sunday mornings.

I look forward to seeing how God will use this new place to speak to me and strengthen me, and I look forward to sharing that here with all of you!

“Tangled Up In You” (2008) Staind

You're my world
The shelter from the rain
You're the pills
That take away my pain
You're the light
That helps me find my way
You're the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire
That warms me when I'm cold
You're the hand
I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore
When I am lost at sea
You're the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you….still tangled up in you….

I love this song. It’s the only one by this band that I’m familiar with, but it’s been a favorite since the first time I heard it over two years ago.

It was originally played for me by a close friend who had just spent the weekend trying to find songs that should be “their song” (he and his girlfriend). This wasn’t one of the two they decided on, but when she sent it to him and he listened to it, he fell instantly in love with it, even taught himself to play it on his guitar.

It’s definitely a great song for expressing love in a committed relationship; but if you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know that’s not enough for me, especially for songs I want to share as part of my “Songs of September” series (almost done going thru the alphabet, only almost a year later!)

When I was looking for a video to share with you, I couldn’t find one of the actual band, but I think that may be better in this case. There are so many ways to interpret what he’s saying, so many relationships and life experiences that come to mind, I’d rather be left to my own thoughts than watch two actors try to play out the message for me. Which brings me to the deeper meaning that really makes this song resonate with me, and the reason I had to include it in this series.

A few months after my friend shared it with me, it came on my iPod while we were driving from Spokane, and we started talking about what it says; turns out he had the same thought I did the first time hearing it:  this transcends any guy/girl, human relationship – this speaks to our hearts about God’s love for us as well. He is so committed to loving us that He has not only become tangled up in our every moment, He died so we could be with Him forever!

With that in mind, read over the lyrics again, listen to the video one more time; close your eyes and let yourself wander into God’s presence. These words, these feelings he sings about, when you really hear them you see that they are intense and passionate. Is that where you are with God?

Just a thought. As I said, it’s also a great song to have as “your” song, and I hope one day soon I will have someone to be tangled up in, too.

Decisions Determine Destiny

I just spent the last two hours or so studying Psalm 1. It’s only six verses long, but I have to admit there is quite a lot packed into those verses! I found it to be very interesting and insightful, and I’d like to share a summary of what I took away from this brief study. If you have a Bible, check out the Psalm first.

Before I get to my thoughts on this first chapter, I wanted to share something I found in my research about the Book of Psalms as a whole:  as you may already know, it’s divided into five smaller “books”, each beginning and ending with similar patterns, etc. If you aren’t familiar with this construction, I recommend checking it out, it’s a great base to build on. What I just discovered, however, is how the Book of Psalms in five parts parallels the Pentateuch (the first five books of the Bible, Genesis thru Deuteronomy).

This first book (Psalms 1-41) deals with humanity, our blessing, fall, and redemption, much like the Book of Genesis. It was mostly written by King David, so it’s very personal and passionate, full of emotion and energy. I love literature and all the amazing things you can find in it! (I’ll share about the other four books and their parallels as I get to them in my study, unless you want to know now, in which case you’ll have to leave a comment and ask me [smile]).

Following is how I summarized my study for today in my quiet time journal. I’m just going to copy it as I wrote it, which means there will be definitions/clarifications/ synonyms, etc. in parentheses. That helps me get a clear image of what I’m reading (I actually looked all this stuff up, it was really fun!)

The righteous (morally right, justifiable) person is blessed (happy, content) and gets extreme satisfaction and joy (delight is the word used in the Psalm, but these are more powerful for me) from the teachings, instruction, and commands (referred to as the law here) of God, and who meditates (ponders, studies, contemplates, reflects on, gives serious and careful thought to) God’s law day and night (all the time, consciously and subconsciously).

This person does not walk with (take advice from, make plans with) the wicked (disobedient), stand with (be submissive and inactive around) sinners (those who have not accepted God’s forgiveness), or sit with (in the company of) mockers (scornful, treat others with contempt, ridicule).

Instead, this person is like a tree (I imagine something tall, strong, weathered; of course if you've been following me or know me at all, you know I love trees!) in a good position (relating to our place in life as well as in our relationship with God, by streams of water, able to grow and thrive), productive (growing fruit in season, in God’s timing, sometimes years later), perpetual (continuing forever, not withering, not losing vitality or force), prosperous (successful, again in God’s time, sometimes as an end result, this doesn’t mean immune to hardship, difficulty, trial, loss), and planted (in a chosen place for optimum growth, on a solid foundation).

In contrast, the unrighteous (not blessed) person does the opposite:  walk with the wicked, stand with the sinners, sit with the mockers; not delighting in the law or meditating on it at all. Therefore, they are like chaff (debris separated from the grain, comparatively worthless) blown away by the wind (difficult times, trials, loss, etc., unable to walk), not able to stand (in the judgment, not justified in the eyes of God), not able to sit (in the assembly of the righteous, in the presence of God).

Our decisions determine our destiny:  God watches over the righteous, destroys the unrighteous. Amen!

One other thing I want to take a closer look at, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this process:  when referring to chaff, wheat, threshing, etc. in the Old Testament, here’s how it works – wheat is beaten on a hard surface to dislodge the grain, and then tossed into the air. The grain (the good part) falls to the ground to be gathered up and used, the chaff is blown away by the wind. I love all the great analogies/metaphors and imagery from nature in this Psalm!

I would like to leave you with one final thought, taken from verse 3:  whatever your circumstances may be, no matter how long your tough times may have lasted, wherever you may be today, remember:  the stronger the winds, the deeper the roots, the longer the storms….the more beautiful the tree.

Tear It and Mark It

I already know what I want to do for my Art Challenge journal page this week. Now, I said that last week and forgot my idea before it was carried out, so this time I actually wrote it down. It's safely in my idea notebook. But I'm not going to tell you what it is, you'll have to wait until it's done. Then I can show you. For now, here are the two prompts for Week 23:

torn magazine picture

markers

The first is kind of obvious - use a picture torn from a magazine. I have dozens to choose from as magazine pictures and words are something I've been collecting since I was in junior high. I don't know exactly which pictures I will be using for this page, just that I will need more than one, and a few other vague concepts that I won't share just yet.

The other prompt is a bit more subjective. It's nice to have those once in a while. I imagine most of you, when talking about art and hearing the word "markers", would think of those colorful tools we use for drawing, coloring, etc. However, I've decided to use this in a more philosophical sense; I'm going to include markers of life. I can't explain much without disclosing too much of my idea, just that there are many things that come and go in our lives - people, places, events, ideas, etc. - that serve as markers of important moments. Sometimes we don't recognize them as such until much later, but they have always been there.

This reminds me of the Book of Joshua (the sixth Book of the Old Testament, of course), when God helped the Nation of Israel cross the Jordan River into the Promised Land. He commanded the representative of each tribe to take a rock from the middle of the River and use it to build an altar once they reached the other side safely. In my years of trial and error I have come to realize that I have altar stones as well, and I try to pick them up whenever I can to serve as a reminder of the countless and unceasing ways God provides for me. I know I've talked about them before. Perhaps some of my altar stones will be part of this page.

Well, there is much to consider this week, even with my idea already recorded. And then there's actually making the page, and catching up on my promised posts that I have once again fallen behind in writing (though I've thought a great deal about them). I am happy to say that today was the first full day of my summer break from teaching, and the wicked migraine that attacked me yesterday is mostly gone. As I slowly recover my strength and focus over the next couple of days, I will be sharing some photos and random ramblings of projects I completed recently and ideas that I've been adding to my many collections (of thoughts, lists, wonderings, and so on). See you soon!

Welcome to the World Little Angel

I would like you to meet the newest member of my extended family, Troy Thomas. He was born just over three hours ago, weighing in at 7lbs 10 oz, 20.5 inches long. His mommy is a very special friend of mine, whom I have adopted as my little sister – which makes him nephew number #6!

I don’t know when I’ll be able to meet him, but I already know he will be a precious and much-loved part of my life no matter what. With everything that’s happened I must say that I am very proud of my little sister and I look forward to watching this special blessing grow.

The cycle of life, the simple fact that miracles happen every day, all around us, always causes me to step back and take a few deep breaths, just letting the sheer magnitude of God’s awesomeness wash over me. I can’t imagine loving anyone even a fraction of how much He loves us; these new little gifts are such a warm, soft, gentle reminder that we are special and beloved. Could it be possible that one day I will get to have my own precious angels?

I’ve spent some time the past week thinking about this month’s one little word intention “explore beliefs,” and one thing that keeps coming back is my belief that I will find someone to be my life partner and father of my children. Some days I think about him a lot, wishing he were here so I could tell him about something that happened, or ask his opinion or advice. Sometimes I think I just need a hug (I tend to go weeks at a time without any touch); other times I just feel so….lonely. And there are days when, no matter how much I fight it, I just can’t bring myself to believe it will really happen. Life seems to get in the way, mess things up.

I would like to blame autism for making me alone, pushing people away or keeping them at a distance, but it’s not the reason, not on its own. And really, it’s not about blame at all, but timing and faith, and not letting myself stop believing that God has a plan for my life that includes my own family. As much as it hurts to be alone right now, His time is always perfect and I choose to wait. The blessings I will find when that time comes are even more unimaginable than loving as I am loved.

So tonight I am going to find peace and joy in the birth of my newest little nephew and trust God to keep him and his mommy safe and secure, and that’s all I need. Bunches of hugs to you little sister, I love you so so much and I can’t wait to see you again and meet little Tadpole!

Explore Beliefs

February is now upon us; in fact, two more days and it will be one quarter past already! It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time flies. My Great Aunt (we called her Aunt Grace, because that was her name, and she was my Grandfather’s Aunt), once told me that the older you get, the faster times goes, until you reach a certain age when it slows down again. I suppose that age is different for everyone. She lived to be one day over 101 years. I wonder when it slowed for her.

For me it seems more like an ebb and flow than a constant stream of faster. Some days seem to drag on, while others pass much too quickly.

Of course, none of this has much of anything to do with my One Little Word, other than I have moved from “explore possibilities” in January to “explore beliefs” in February; from “what if….?” to “God said….” My first prompt for this new month (well, technically my last prompt for last month) was “explore a question,” and I almost decided to explore a question of belief. Then I decided “because” was more fun for an art journal. So this next step hasn’t yet been taken.

There’s a song written and performed by the late Rich Mullins that I always think of when pondering my beliefs; it’s called Creed, and you can watch it on YouTube by clicking the title. It has some great shots from Wichita and surrounding areas, as well as from a Compassion International site where he sponsored children.

This song not only has great music (he plays the hammered dulcimer), but it also describes some basic Christian beliefs. Those aren’t what I plan to explore this month. I was thinking more along the lines of what I believe for my life and the things God has commanded as well as promised.

I’m also beginning to work on the second project of the One Little Word program, which involves making a vision board (the first was to make those little cards for each month), so I’ll be posting pictures of that process in a few days. So far I haven’t learned much, but I didn’t really take time to really explore possibilities. I’d like to change that, as well as share more with you, so be watching for more of my random ramblings, and be sure to enjoy this early Spring!

I AM

I was regretting the past
And fearing the future.…
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
"MY NAME IS I AM."
He paused.
I waited. He continued,

"WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE PAST,
WITH ITS MISTAKES AND REGRETS,
IT IS HARD. I AM NOT THERE.
MY NAME IS NOT I WAS.

"WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE FUTURE,
WITH ITS PROBLEMS AND FEARS,
IT IS HARD. I AM NOT THERE.
MY NAME IS NOT I WILL BE.

"WHEN YOU LIVE IN THIS MOMENT,
IT IS NOT HARD,
I AM HERE.
MY NAME IS I AM."

This is a poem called “I AM”, written by Helen Mallicoat. I thought of it earlier today as I was taking a hot shower, I allowed the steam to clear my sinuses, and the heat to relax my muscles. As I was sitting in the back of the tub listening to the sound of water, I let it clear and relax my mind as well.

Today began like many others, with a reluctance to get out of bed, and a mental list of what I might want to accomplish. My first thoughts were of working on my novel at Starbucks, then doing some laundry while I worked on my latest mini album project. I soon decided to skip Starbucks and go straight for laundry.

It didn’t take me long to get everything gathered – hamper, detergent, milk crate full of creating supplies, laptop – and head to my preferred laundry facility (the washer and dryer in the FES Resource Room). I started a load of wash, and decided to go over to Moscow to look for a few things at WinCo.

This turned out to be a bad decision. I made it there with no problems, having put some oil in at Franklin before I left, and some fuel in at Safeway. I went into the store and looked around but couldn’t concentrate – too many people, hadn’t taken my Adderall yet – so I didn’t end up buying anything, but it was a nice diversion. It feels good to just drive sometimes. When I started my car there was a bit of white smoke from the back, but that happens on occasional cold days.

Well, about the time I was turning out of the parking lot to head back to Pullman, I noticed the white smoke hadn’t disappeared; in fact, it was now pouring out of my exhaust. I pulled over and checked it out, turned off my car, opened the hood (what I was looking for I couldn’t tell you, to be honest). I called a friend who happens to be a mechanic and asked if he thought it would be safe to drive back to town. He said probably not but I could try it.

So I did. I ended up pulling over two more times, texting a friend for help, and eventually stopping in the Moscow Wal-Mart parking lot and calling a tow truck. This very kind friend met me there, took me to the ATM in Pullman, then to the Auto Repair to pay the man, to Franklin to get my stuff, and back home to my cozy apartment and adorable little hamster baby. All it cost me was almost $100 that I don’t have, a great deal of tears (of frustration), and some stress.

Which brings us back to the hot shower. As I was relaxing and clearing I thought about walking to work this week, about how I would pay for whatever is wrong with my car, about how close I came to being caught up enough that I had money left between paychecks – about how irresponsible I can be sometimes, which only brings needless stress (and doesn’t help my high blood pressure problem). That’s when I heard it, that voice, quietly whisper….I AM.

I realized that I have been neglecting this most important of all love relationships, the one with my Creator, Savior, and Best Friend. He never left, never gave up on me, never stopped waiting for me to give up and let go – let go and let God. I have no control over the future, or the past, and to be honest, not a lot of control over anything in the present right now either. At least that’s how I feel. There are only a few things that make up my life – a job, a home, family, friends, art, and God. No family is nearby, so I depend on friends, who have families of their own, and that’s hard for me; hard to ask for help, and hard to be so isolated.

My job is stressful because I don’t know how to help one student, but I also can’t seem to figure out how to ask for help. Every time I try, the responses I get show me that I’m not asking the right questions. My apartment is a mess because I come home feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, meaning I zone out or turn to the one freedom I desperately cling to….my art. Here’s where the missing piece becomes glaringly apparent:  where is I AM in all of this mess?

Like I said, He’s right here beside me, waiting for me to turn to Him and say….yes. Yes I need You, yes I want You in my life every day, yes I love You and I want to know how it feels to be loved by You. Remind me. Some days I forget. Yes I know You are leading and guiding. Yes I trust You with my life. Yes, I have been living in the past, but….no buts. Yes, I have been fearing the future, but….no buts. Just yes. Yes….I am HERE, right now, in this moment. With You.

Nothing Happens “Just Because”

On January 22, 2004, I had the privilege of leading a Bible study for an EWU Campus Crusade for Christ group. As I studied, God spoke to me through the book of Joshua. I began to see parallels to my own life and walk with God. I outlined the major points, and made a “wall of Jericho” where I began to place my experiences on the bricks. I ended up with a great visual of God’s continued Presence in my life. (I’d love to send you a blank copy) I often look at it when I need encouragement. I haven’t reached “The Promised Land” yet, but have come to many smaller versions (my own personal “promised lands” of peace and rest), and continue to conquer the enemies that threaten to overwhelm me on my journey.

Conversion:  “The Lord said to Moses, ‘Send some men to explore the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the Israelites. From each ancestral tribe send one of its leaders’….(Moses gave Hoshea son of Nun the name Joshua)” Numbers 13:1-2, 16b. All children of God have a “conversion experience,” when we accept the free gift of forgiveness leading to salvation, and step out of our old selves, being born into new life. I shared in “Sixteen Words Eighteen Years Ago”* that mine was at Cocolalla Lake Bible Camp. For Joshua, I decided to use the day Moses chose him as leader of his tribe and sent him to explore the Promised Land. He was also given a new name, Joshua, which means “God saves”.

Commission and Command:  “‘Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them….As I was with Moses so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them’” Joshua 1:2, 5b-6.

As we learn to recognize His voice, we begin to hear a “commission and command” from God. For Joshua, it was to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. For me, it is to teach, in elementary Special Education. This may not have been the conclusion I reached when I first studied this, but looking back from right now I know it’s true. That brings me a great deal of encouragement since that’s the job I now have, and the job I’m working toward as I finish up my Master of Education in Special Education, and get certified to teach K-12 Special Ed.

Contacts:  “‘Now then, please swear to me by the LORD that you will show kindness to my family, because I have shown kindness to you’” Joshua 2:12.

God created us to be in relationships with others. They may take on many forms, and have varying levels of impact, but each is important and unique. Our walk with God is no exception. He will bring people into our lives at different times for different reasons; some will become a permanent fixture, others will only stay for a moment. We don’t always get to see at the time the impact they will have on us, or the role they will play in our faith journey. Rahab was a stranger to the spies Joshua sent into Jericho, but she had heard of the mighty power of God and decided to risk her life to help them. As a result of her kindness, her life was spared, and she became part of the great story of God’s salvation of man (she became Ruth’s second mother-in-law). In my own life there have been many amazing people come and go, too many for me to mention here, but I remember each one and count them as a blessing.

Crossing the Jordan:  “Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away….And the priests came up out of the river…No sooner had they set their feet on dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before” Joshua 3:15-16a, 4:18. I encourage you to read the whole story of the river crossing in Joshua 3-4; I only shared a few  verses to illustrate my point. For the Israelites, this crossing was a literal one, the only way for them to reach the land God was giving them; however, it was also a step of faith in God’s promise. They couldn’t just cross it and settle down, living happily ever after. Once there, they were faced with adversity from the people living there, fighting battles from all sides. I believe the “crossing” for us is when we reach a place of spiritual maturity when God asks us to consecrate ourselves, allow the Holy Spirit to fill us and lead our actions, so we can enter into spiritual warfare and claim the promises God has for our lives.

Construction of memorials:  “‘Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight’” Joshua 4:2-3.

Now we’ve come to the “altar stones” I’ve mentioned in a few previous posts. God commanded Joshua to have one man from each tribe pick up a stone (probably more like a large rock) from the middle of the dry riverbed. On the side of the Jordan where they would conquer the land, he built a memorial to serve as a reminder of God’s deliverance and guidance. When I read this, I decided to start collecting “stones” of my own, small tokens of the times I obeyed God and was blessed. For now, I keep them in a shoebox, and I can pull them out when I need to remember.

Conditioned for Conquest:  “All the people that came out [of Egypt] had been circumcised, but all the people born in the wilderness during the journey from Egypt had not” Joshua 5:5. Circumcision is how God designed the Israelites to show their commitment to Him, a covenant in the flesh, beginning with Abraham. When they crossed the Jordan, He had the men and boys circumcised to renew that covenant before going into battle. Today we find our own unique ways to renew our commitment; being a literal person, I tend to find something tangible, like a promise ring.

Campaigns of Conquest:  “‘[A]s commander of the army of the LORD I have now come….Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy’” Joshua 5:14-15.

These were originally divided into three sections:  the center of the land attacked (focusing on the battle at Jericho), the campaign in the south, and the campaign in the north. In the book of Joshua these were literally battles fought by the Israelites to conquer the Promised Land. In my own life, I see a more figurative conquest:  the heart, the body, and the mind. It began with my heart; I had to believe that God loves me before anything else could happen. Then my body, which is an ongoing battle, one I wrote about in “My Wellness Journey,”** and will continue to write about now and then. Once that was underway He began working on my mind, helping me to change my thoughts (thinking errors) and learn to dwell on Him more consistently.

That’s it. After the campaign in the north, the tribes divided up the land and settled down. I’m still conquering my own Promised Land. What about you?

*read this at http://www.mellenasmind.blogspot.com/2012/07/sixteen-words-eighteen-years-ago.html
**read this at http://www.mellenasmind.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-wellness-journey.html

Sixteen Words Eighteen Years Ago

“Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God – children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God” John 1:12-13.

It was Wednesday afternoon. The sun was out, the sky was clear, the air was warm. Fawn and I were sitting in the grass by the lake talking about life. She shared some personal struggles, asked me about my greatest fear. It was the fourth day of Teen Camp, two days after I felt connected to another person for the first time in my life. Now that person was sitting next to me asking “Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you’ll go to Heaven when you die?”

God used Fawn to break thru my autistic barriers, to help me realize for the first time what it meant and how it felt to be loved by Him. We weren’t best friends, didn’t talk on the phone all the time; she was six years older than me and lived in a neighboring state. In our eight years of friendship before she died, she wrote me one letter, and we had three phone conversations. And yet, as I look back on my walk with God, it’s obvious that she played a major part.

Her role didn’t begin that Wednesday – it actually began two years before – but on that day, Wednesday, July 13, 1994, I made the second most significant decision of my spiritual journey, because Fawn had the courage and love to ask me one question. Sixteen words led to just two letters that changed my life forever:  no.

I will never forget that conversation. I wanted to be honest and I knew the answer without having to think about it. I had grown up going to church every week, had heard the popular Bible stories, participated in studies of some of the more complex areas of the Christian life. At some point I even prayed “The Sinner’s Prayer” in some form, accepting and receiving the free gift of salvation. In “church speak” I was “saved.” But. I wasn't living like it. I hadn’t really let God into my life in a personal way, and somehow I knew, despite my autism and the ways it affected my perceptions, that I didn’t know for sure that I was God’s child.

Fawn opened her Bible and we talked about each verse of “Roman’s Road.” I had them all memorized. To be honest, I didn’t hear anything I hadn’t heard before. It wasn’t an intellectual exercise. What I needed was a personal relationship, to let God in and give Him the little things. Give Him all of me. So I did.

It wasn’t the first time I chose to join the Family of God, but it was the first time I meant it. And it’s the day I choose to celebrate every year. Today I am 18. I have come a long way, sometimes walking hundreds of miles from where God wants me, always turning around to find Him right there. I'll be sharing some of my “altar stones”, markers I’ve collected along the way. God commanded the Israelites to build an altar of stones from the Jordan River after they crossed it safely. Mine remind me of God’s promise “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

Arrangement of Parts

[This is the second post for today. At least two more will follow. I hate odd numbers, so I can’t stop at three. Although “one” is an odd number. But if I posted twice every day I’d overwhelm my followers, and right now I only have seven. I can’t afford to upset anyone! Although seven is an odd number, too…. Again, it’s (more than) a little longer than usual, so pace yourself. Sit back and let the random wash over you. Read it twice if you have to.]

I want to explain the structure I’m going to impose on my blog posts. I realize you probably don’t care, (and if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d know that some of you wouldn’t even have noticed), but as long as you read them regularly, it directly affects you. For those of you who know me well (probably almost everyone who reads this at this point), the idea of structure shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’m autistic and ADHD. I need it to survive. So stop arguing.

Since there are several structures already in place, I’m not going to invent one. I’m going to steal one. Rabbit trail:  Before I tell you about it, I’m reminded of a quote I heard once:  “Good poets borrow, great poets steal.” It’s been attributed to T.S. Eliot (however I recently discovered a blog post in which someone tracked it’s origins check it out at http://nancyprager.wordpress.com/2007/05/08/good-poets-borrow-great-poets-steal/). I’m a poet. Among other things. It applies.

Back to structure. Drum roll please:  [dramatic pause] I’m going to use week days. Starting right now (not including what I’ve already posted) I want to have something to write about every day. Before you freak out at the thought of so much to keep up with and stop following me, take a deep breath. Ok? Good.

This doesn’t mean I’ll be able to write every day, or that my thoughts will be limited to these topics. After all, this is “Random Rambles.” Truth is, to be able to write well, I have to work at it every day. This blog offers a small amount of accountability for doing that. For July I have a goal to write every day, telling you about something that happened “on this day in history,” or participate in (some silly, some serious) holiday celebrations. When July ends, I want to have some idea of where to go on those days when I need inspiration and my shower muse doesn’t want to get wet. And don't forget, if you want to follow a specific thread of posts, click on that label at the bottom of the page to bring them up.

Sunday will be “altar stones,” thoughts regarding my relationship with God. I’ll explain the title the first time I post one. Those will include thoughts on the sermon from that morning, insights I get from my own personal Bible study, and things I want to share about when and where I’ve seen God the week before.

Monday will be “word lust,” when I’ll share a word, it’s definition, and my thoughts. I may also update you on the progress of my novel “Coming Home.” Tuesday will be “technique Tuesdays,” exploring new art concepts I’m learning. I’ll try to have photos of projects I’ve completed as well.

Wednesday will be “local business,” in which I will either introduce to someone I want you to know, or share a piece of my world here in Pullman. If you or someone you know would like to be featured, leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail. I’m looking into making a habit of this, possibly charging a small fee.

Thursday will be “book review,” my thoughts on something I’ve finished reading (occasionally my preconceptions of something new I’m starting). I’m always open to suggestions (although I’ve promised myself not to buy any more books until I’ve read all the ones I own!) so please leave a comment about one. Also feel free to comment on a book I’ve reviewed if you’ve read it; I love hearing what other people think. I’d like to review one book a week. I know what you’re thinking – yes, I can read a book a week. However, I’ll also be telling you about some from my “Books I’ve Read” list.I started it about ten years ago, so there are plenty of options.

Friday will be “photographs,” so I can share some of my own, as well some that I’ve found inspiration from. One of these months I might try my own version of the 30-Day Photography Challenge. Finally, Saturday will be “wellness journey” posts (more on that in today’s next post). That’s it. Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?