“Tangled Up In You” (2008) Staind

You're my world
The shelter from the rain
You're the pills
That take away my pain
You're the light
That helps me find my way
You're the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire
That warms me when I'm cold
You're the hand
I have to hold as I grow old
You're the shore
When I am lost at sea
You're the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I'm still tangled up in you….still tangled up in you….

I love this song. It’s the only one by this band that I’m familiar with, but it’s been a favorite since the first time I heard it over two years ago.

It was originally played for me by a close friend who had just spent the weekend trying to find songs that should be “their song” (he and his girlfriend). This wasn’t one of the two they decided on, but when she sent it to him and he listened to it, he fell instantly in love with it, even taught himself to play it on his guitar.

It’s definitely a great song for expressing love in a committed relationship; but if you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know that’s not enough for me, especially for songs I want to share as part of my “Songs of September” series (almost done going thru the alphabet, only almost a year later!)

When I was looking for a video to share with you, I couldn’t find one of the actual band, but I think that may be better in this case. There are so many ways to interpret what he’s saying, so many relationships and life experiences that come to mind, I’d rather be left to my own thoughts than watch two actors try to play out the message for me. Which brings me to the deeper meaning that really makes this song resonate with me, and the reason I had to include it in this series.

A few months after my friend shared it with me, it came on my iPod while we were driving from Spokane, and we started talking about what it says; turns out he had the same thought I did the first time hearing it:  this transcends any guy/girl, human relationship – this speaks to our hearts about God’s love for us as well. He is so committed to loving us that He has not only become tangled up in our every moment, He died so we could be with Him forever!

With that in mind, read over the lyrics again, listen to the video one more time; close your eyes and let yourself wander into God’s presence. These words, these feelings he sings about, when you really hear them you see that they are intense and passionate. Is that where you are with God?

Just a thought. As I said, it’s also a great song to have as “your” song, and I hope one day soon I will have someone to be tangled up in, too.

A New Direction

The first time I made a page using the week two prompts, this is what I came up with. I wrote about it on the posts Footprints, Hand-Carved Stamp, and XPLR in case you're interested in the process. This one is in my first art journal; I haven't taken time to journal anything on it yet, but eventually I'd like to. I left a space on both tags - top left and inside the envelope - for when I get around to it. I at least want to write some thoughts about the quote by t.s. eliot that I found, and maybe about living here in Pullman.

This is actually a photo that Anne took of her own footprints after playing in a fountain downtown a few years ago. I love how the two sides are different, almost opposite - the left showing more detail with less water, the right being filled in but soft around the edges. There are so many metaphors and rabbit trails I could follow - darkness and light, good and evil, the left and right brain hemispheres, on and on and on....a thousand words to start.

For the new page, I took a bit of inspiration from this photo and made my own footprints in brown after painting the background with suede:

The dimensions are hard to gauge at this angle; I think this photo actually makes my feet look average sized! In reality they're on the small side, though not quite as tiny as Anne's (even though she's about three inches taller than me!). For the second prompt (hand-carved stamp) I decided to use the same stamp I used on the original page, although this time I chose not to put paint on the four spaces that made it look like a license plate. I haven't put anything inside of the box yet - I still don't know what this page is about. Maybe I'll put song lyrics or a quote about a journey. Maybe I'll use the same eliot quote for this page....whatever I do, I'm sure I'll end up writing about it.

An Exercise in Reflection

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think the last time I shared a card from my art challenge prompt decks was early March (Week Nine:  new to me art supply and fire). At that time, the last page I had created in my journal was Week Five (explore a question and smile). I got stuck on Week Six (behind the fence and date night), and then my laptop gave out and I haven't been able to get a new one yet. The one I'm using now is old and crabby but works, so I'm hoping to get back into the groove of posting regularly. In my absence I continued to create, to work on my goal of making art every day, and I have much to share.

First of all, as of tonight, I am basically caught up on all pages through Week Nineteen (there are a few I'm not sure about yet but they all have at least the background layer). In addition, I've taken pictures of all cards from both decks through Week Twenty-One (I haven't finished making the decks beyond that point, but plan to finish those before I need more), and have also taken pictures of the pages I'm working on in my new art journal - I recently got a Moleskine Watercolor Album and used it to start over at Week One.

Next steps are to post photos - of both cards for each week along with my corresponding page-in-progress and some thoughts - once per day. This will include the cards I missed posting as well as the first nine weeks and the new pages I'm working on for them. I'm going to start with the first card for Week Twenty, which starts today:

This is an idea that can be looked at in several ways. The dictionary says: 1) the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected; 2) an image, representation, or counterpart; 3) a fixing of the thoughts on something, careful consideration; and 4) an unfavorable remark or observation. Any of these would make for a great journal page.

For a challenge, try to use them together. Choose an image. Decide if that image will be reflected, or reflect something. Does it relate to careful consideration? Is there a quote that goes with it? On the card I put a photo that shows a mirror reflecting my little sister, but there are other things that reflect - windows or water.

This reminds me of a question I used to ask my friends when I was in high school:  "When you look in a mirror, do you see your self?" Notice the emphasis on the word "self". I never did get an answer from anyone. At first it seems like one of those weird riddles you find on popsicle sticks; then you take a few minutes to step back and really think about the words and their meaning - to reflect, if you will - and you realize that it's actually a frightening question, the answer to which may be painful or uncomfortable.

Sound like something you could journal about? I suggested using these prompts for art journaling just for that purpose - to explore self through art. Thomas Merton said, "Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time." The act of creating can be as meditative as writing your thoughts; I look forward to adding the words, too.

Welcome to the World Little Angel

I would like you to meet the newest member of my extended family, Troy Thomas. He was born just over three hours ago, weighing in at 7lbs 10 oz, 20.5 inches long. His mommy is a very special friend of mine, whom I have adopted as my little sister – which makes him nephew number #6!

I don’t know when I’ll be able to meet him, but I already know he will be a precious and much-loved part of my life no matter what. With everything that’s happened I must say that I am very proud of my little sister and I look forward to watching this special blessing grow.

The cycle of life, the simple fact that miracles happen every day, all around us, always causes me to step back and take a few deep breaths, just letting the sheer magnitude of God’s awesomeness wash over me. I can’t imagine loving anyone even a fraction of how much He loves us; these new little gifts are such a warm, soft, gentle reminder that we are special and beloved. Could it be possible that one day I will get to have my own precious angels?

I’ve spent some time the past week thinking about this month’s one little word intention “explore beliefs,” and one thing that keeps coming back is my belief that I will find someone to be my life partner and father of my children. Some days I think about him a lot, wishing he were here so I could tell him about something that happened, or ask his opinion or advice. Sometimes I think I just need a hug (I tend to go weeks at a time without any touch); other times I just feel so….lonely. And there are days when, no matter how much I fight it, I just can’t bring myself to believe it will really happen. Life seems to get in the way, mess things up.

I would like to blame autism for making me alone, pushing people away or keeping them at a distance, but it’s not the reason, not on its own. And really, it’s not about blame at all, but timing and faith, and not letting myself stop believing that God has a plan for my life that includes my own family. As much as it hurts to be alone right now, His time is always perfect and I choose to wait. The blessings I will find when that time comes are even more unimaginable than loving as I am loved.

So tonight I am going to find peace and joy in the birth of my newest little nephew and trust God to keep him and his mommy safe and secure, and that’s all I need. Bunches of hugs to you little sister, I love you so so much and I can’t wait to see you again and meet little Tadpole!

Afraid to Dream Big

“What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place?
What if to get to Heaven, you had to brave Hell?
What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved?
Would you still go there?”

The source of these questions is attributed to Anonymous, one of my favorite people to quote. I used the first and last lines (in the form of a Tim Holtz Stamper's Anonymous stamp) to finish my journal page for week four. Well, it’s actually more of an insert than a whole page.

   

 

Here is the brief progression of this particular project. I started out by covering a small insert with red, yellow, and green cardstock. It’s a companion piece to the journal page opposite it, which is a tribute to my little sister, who really likes Bob Marley/Rasta and rainbows. (The other half of this two page spread, as well as the other side of this insert, deal with rainbow colors, spectrums, etc. Some thoughts on Autism. You’ll get to see more of that in future I’m sure.)

The top left is the original insert. The top right is my response to the first week four prompt, “big,” with a colored photo of Bob Marley and some lyrics from one of his songs. I believe it’s called “Wake Up And Live”. This quote says:  “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you’re riding through the ruts don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake up and live!”

The bottom left photo is my response to the second week four prompt, “dreams,” that I wrote about yesterday. I used a photo of Martin Luther King, Jr., and an excerpt from his famous “I Have A Dream” speech:  “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:  ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’” I was going to stop here, but then I came across the quote on the stamp.

The bottom right is obviously the finished page. I don’t know that I’ll add any of my own journaling; I wanted it to have a message all its own, to provoke thought and cause whoever reads it to pause for a moment. Just glancing at the images, if you know who the men are, should warrant a double take. It almost seems wrong in a way to have Dr. King next to someone who has become to so many a symbol for getting high. I don’t know much about Bob Marley, but I did take some time to research the Rasta colors when Anne first mentioned them to me; I used that knowledge to create the art journal page that follows this insert:



Whether or not what I found is completely accurate doesn’t really matter to me; I loved what it said, and I wanted it (and her) to be part of this art journal process. I found references to the countries of Africa and their culture:  that red represents the blood of the slaves taken against their will; yellow represents gold and the wealth of the people; green represents the prosperity of the land; and black represents the skin of the people, a marker of their culture and heritage.

Bob Marley wrote that song about freedom from the complications and drama that always accompany “hate, mischief, and jealousy.” Dr. King literally gave his life in the fight to have equal rights for all men, despite how they looked or where they placed their family roots. Though each man found self-expression in different ways, both had big dreams for a better world. And those dreams really did exist in the same place as their fears – the place of the unknown – the future.

I can’t help but see a connection to my post earlier today called I AM, and it’s in that message that I find my answer to the question “Would you still go there?” I can dream about the future, and I can be afraid of the unknown it holds, but I choose to live with I AM; He is here in this moment, and it is not hard.

“Keep Holding On” (2006) Avril Lavigne

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold and it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away, I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could all disappear
Before the door's closed and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah
chorus

Hear me when I say when I say, I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through



This is one of those songs that will always remind me of a particular person, and depending on where I am in life when I hear it, will probably make me cry at least 50% of the time. (It was originally released as part of the movie Eragon,and the music video for it has clips from the movie.)

When I hear the lyrics I think of friendship, the kind that is stronger than just hanging out at Starbucks or going shopping; this kind of bond is like choosing the people you want to have in your family. Some people call it “heart adopted.” For me, this song is about my little sister, and wanting her to remember that I’ll always be here for her no matter what life brings. There’s nothing she could say or do that would change that truth; she just has to keep holding on.

The View From the Bench

Everyone should have a special place they can go to when they need to think, process, let go, just be alone with God. A place that reminds them of something or someone they want to remember. Every time I move I try to find one of these, sometimes more than one; this time, the place kind of found me.

There’s a trail that goes through Pullman; it’s paved, wide enough for three or four people to walk next to each other, great for biking. When I moved up here I didn’t have a car, and I would walk from my apartment to the North end of town sometimes, in the spring and last summer, and I found this trail. I love it. When my little sister came to visit last May we walked on it a few times. And we found a bench. I had stopped there before a few times, but it was different with her.

The first time we walked by it, I sat down and took a picture of what was in front of me. “This is the view from the bench,” I said. She liked that idea. It became a special place for us, something we could refer to in conversation that would bring up a good memory – a beautiful day, good company – and no one else knew what it was. She was only here for a week, then I took her back to where she had been living. She was supposed to move back here to live with me.

Well, things got crazy last summer and now I can’t even talk to her. I went back to the bench in July and took another photo, sent it to her on my phone, the view from the bench in summer. October is the last time I saw her, and didn’t get to talk to her again until almost March. That’s when I went to the bench again, to take another photo, the view in winter. I had stayed away because I missed her too much. Away too long, cause here’s what I found:

The City of Pullman, in it’s (I'm sure) “infinite wisdom,” removed the bench. My special place no longer exists. So today, when I had a conversation with someone I love, someone I trusted, a conversation that made me hurt inside, I wanted to go somewhere to be alone and process. I wanted to see a view from the bench….but it’s gone. I don’t know what will happen with this relationship, but I do know that God is always there, no matter what, even when I have nowhere to sit.