Only three days into December and I already find myself feeling “bah humbug” as a general state of being. No worries, I’m fighting it with all I have, but this migraine is making it a feeble attempt at best. To help curb some of this unwanted attitude I decided to join a friend in watching a Christmas movie last night.
She chose the Grinch – the newest one, with Jim Carrey playing the big green guy. She was watching it on her television in Canada, I attempted to use a link online. Several links, as a matter of fact, and every one of them failed me. The first four or five stopped the movie at 12:22. Seriously. The very same spot on every one of them. By then I was determined to finish it. The last link I tried made it past that point, only to re-buffer every 15 seconds or so. I lost patience.
I have to admit, it made me smile that Mr. Grinch was a source of my frustration, an irony not lost on me. So I took a moment to step back and consider my certain situation. What is it exactly that’s getting me down? Of course the usual things came to mind: being lonely, not having my space set up the way I’d like it, feeling as though I’m wasting my life, intelligence, and skills on laziness and poor choices. My self-reflection tends to get a bit intense.
Acceptance is the first step on the road to recovery. I accepted that I need an attitude adjustment. I quickly moved on to step two: a willingness to change. Well I wouldn’t be analyzing my situation if I didn’t want to change it. Awesome. I was already at step three. Problem: I don’t know what step three is.
So I jumped off that train of thought and landed on another: while it’s true there are pieces of my life that haven’t yet fallen into place, it shouldn’t be true that I wait to live that life until they have. There are things I can do to learn and grow, to better myself, to find pleasure in life. I don’t want to stand still and let life happen to me – I want to be actively involved. That’s as far as I’ve gotten, though. I know what I want to do but have no idea how to do it. Still, I won’t let myself be a Grinch.