A New Adventure: Trinity Baptist Church

Hello and happy Sunday! Although it’s overcast and gray here in Pullman, it’s also a little cooler than it was when I returned from my trip to California, so I am very thankful for the clouds and wind! I’m also praying it brings some much needed rain to the areas with fires, as well as dampening the Palouse to keep them from spreading here.

While I haven’t been writing much this year, I have still been working on my art (I try to do at least one thing every day), and my wellness journey continues. Today was yet another step in that great adventure of my life – this morning, for the first time since being at SPU (at least 12 years, probably more), I went to a new church by myself! To some of you that may seem like a small thing, but to me it was a big step, and one I am very thankful I finally took!

Yes, it was awesome that I was able to just go, without waiting for someone to join me, silencing all of my lame excuses, getting out of bed even though I wanted to sleep longer (which, to be honest, is every day, since I don’t really sleep at night), even “dressing up” (although compared to my usual attire that isn’t saying much).


But even more wonderful was the fact that I really enjoyed the experience! The sanctuary wasn’t too big or dark, the chairs were comfortable, the music wasn’t loud, and the best part – the Pastor is a teacher! Not literally, as in he works for a public school, but he didn’t “preach”, he “taught” (I almost typed teached lol).

This is something that is very important to me, personally, in finding a new church home, and one of the main reasons I haven’t really settled anywhere since moving to Pullman three and a half years ago. I tried a few other places, and there wasn’t anything wrong with them, they just didn’t “fit”. Anyone who has gone “church hunting” understands what I mean by this. If, like me, you grew up going to the same church, then you have certain expectations and things you enjoy, partially because you’re used to them, and partially because they just “fit” – like a comfy pair of sweat pants. And sometimes it’s difficult to find a new fit.

My decision to visit Trinity Baptist in Moscow wasn’t completely random; I take my church going (and most all social activities) more seriously than that. It was recommended by Angela, who also goes there, and who is someone I have come to trust, respect, and enjoy very much. I asked her a few questions about it this past week, then found the website online, and decided to give it a go. As I said, I am very thankful I did! I will definitely be going back.

Aside from Angela, I don’t believe I know anyone there (I saw her, by the way, but didn’t say anything; I haven’t yet figured out where she fits on my chart of life relationships – family, different levels of friends, etc. – so I haven’t decided how to approach her outside of the context in which I see her regularly). In some ways that made it easier for me. I was able to sit back and watch people, check out the environment, and honestly decide if it was the right place for me.

This is just one of many blessings God has brought into my life in the past few months, and I will be sharing more about my experiences soon (as well as some art to go with it). One thing I wanted to share today, while on the subject of Trinity and this important next step, is that I realized something as I was sitting there listening to the sermon:  I chose this church for the right reason. The two previous churches I’ve attended in Pullman were chosen because I had someone to go with – first to Emmanuel Baptist with Kristen and Kylan, then to Resonate Church with Wendy and Brandon – and that’s a good thing, I really appreciate their friendships and wanting to help me find a good church home. However, I soon realized that those churches weren’t quite the right fit, and I eventually stopped attending altogether.

This morning I went because I know God was nudging me in that direction. I don’t need church to have my “quiet time” with Him, but I do need to have fellowship time with others who share my faith (something I’ve been learning as I’ve been exploring friendships this past year, but more on that in another post). A great way to find those people to fellowship with is to find a church home – and then a home group or Bible study, since there really isn’t time to socialize Sunday mornings.

I look forward to seeing how God will use this new place to speak to me and strengthen me, and I look forward to sharing that here with all of you!

I, Explorer

“We shall not cease from exploration;
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

from “Four Quartets”
-T.S. Eliot

My friend Julie loaned me two books today; one is called “Creative Awakenings:  Envisioning the Life of Your Dreams Through Art”. This quote was part of a “travel tip” about leaping into voids without a parachute. In other words, just going for it when it comes to art.

Like all good quotes, it has many layers of meaning, which means it will quickly become one of my favorites. It was taken from one of four poems, which make up the “Four Quartets”, and which you can read here. I know there aren’t many people who enjoy poetry anymore, especially when it was written almost seventy years ago. However, I would definitely recommend reading these four poems. A few tips to make it a more enjoyable and meaningful experience:

1. Read out loud, slowly.
2. Don’t pause at the end of a line, but rather at the end of a sentence, meaning read until you reach an end mark (period, question mark, etc).
3. Stop at the end of each sentence, or stanza, and let the images float around in your mind, forming a picture – you may be surprised what surfaces!
4. Most importantly, go into the experience with an open mind, no expectations.

Now back to the quote. It’s comforting to me to think that I will “not cease from exploration”. I have always loved the idea of my life as a journey; this metaphor of travel and exploration, of discovery and adventure stirs something deep inside all of us. Our God, after all, created us to long for and enjoy these things. It’s up to each one of us individually to wake each morning and decide that today will be one of exploration and insight.

I also love the notion that “the end of all our exploring/Will be to arrive where we started/And know the place for the first time.” This can mean the end of our life’s journey, or it can mean the end of each smaller adventure we endeavor to undertake across the different seasons of our lives.

Right now I’m somewhat immersed in my “wellness journey”. For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, this term will be familiar. It started last summer (June 2012, you can read it here) when I finally emerged from the cave where I had been living, and began to explore and experience life. As I lay this quote over the idea of this particular journey, I can’t help but wonder if there will be an “end” at which to arrive, and how I will know it.

Perhaps right now you’re in a season of partnership (in marriage) and parenthood. The end may come when your last child leaves home to begin their own season. On that day, will you find that you have arrived where you started, two become one, but that you know it now for the first time?

Highs and Lows

So today I had my semi-monthly ADHD check up. First one since October after two cancellations by my doctor. In the last two and a half months I’ve gained a little weight, and found out that my blood pressure has been high every time I’ve come in. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m at the Doctor’s office, or physical reasons, but if it’s still high when I stop in a few weeks from now I’ll have to start taking meds for that, too. Fortunately, one simple answer:  exercise.

This wasn’t exactly news for me, but it turns out exercise – the cardio kind, that raises my heart rate (which unfortunately is already kind of high) – will help with all kinds of things. Not only is it very possible that my blood pressure will go down to a more healthy level (today it was 133/110 and then 120/100), it should also help me sleep better for a longer amount of time, lose that weight I gained back, and be able to handle stress at work more effectively.

In addition to having high blood pressure, my energy level has been more low than usual, I’ve been having migraines more often, and my moods have been staying in the not-so-great area. Exercise will help all of this as well. So as long as I get more active, and make sure I take my meds on time every day, I should start feeling more like myself again. Last summer was a very relaxing, self-reflective, growing time for me, and I’d like to get back to that place!

I also had a chance to talk to my doctor about Asperger’s, so I asked about a local support group. None that he knows of. He does see adults with autism, but his main avenue of assistance with most is to prescribe Prozac or some equivalent. We talked about my own issues being mainly in the social realm, and that perhaps taking one of my Adderall prior to a social situation would be of benefit. I have to admit, I’ve never considered that option, but it makes sense. I’m definitely going to try it, and will hopefully have more opportunities to get out and be around people in the near future! Getting back into church is a top priority, and my home group.

So I have some work to do, inside and out, but what’s new? We should all be taking time to examine our lives from every angle, and making adjustments as they become necessary. We should be growing and improving every day. This is just another step on my journey, and I love having you along for the ride!

I Speak to Me

This afternoon I decided to take a nap. I haven’t been taking many lately, which is a positive change, I have more energy and focus. But I’ve been feeling nauseous and tired for two days, so I opted for a nap. I woke up feeling even worse, with a headache on top of everything.

I took some Excedrin Migraine, put an ice pack on my neck (a cloth one filled with rice that Crystal made for me!), and settled in to get some work done. I waited about an hour to put my contacts back in, wearing my glasses for a while instead. I drank some water. When I started to feel overheated I turned on the fan.

Later in the evening I made dinner. I actually took some time to cook – ground turkey squished into a patty, baked red potato, steamed carrots with honey – and it was relaxing and tasted good. While I was sitting here eating my food and drinking my iced tea, I realized something, and I want to share it with you.

All of these things, on their own, are not significant steps. And all of these things, for most people, are just part of life every day, when you don’t feel well you take steps to feel better. But for me, today, it was more than that. What it was – it was me listening to myself. Listening to my body, and what it needs.

I’ve been extra emotional for the past few days, crying over almost every episode of The Practice (I’ve been watching it on Netflix) – and I don’t even like the show! Crying just at the thought of having to go back to the same school next year, knowing that not enough has changed to make it better, already starting to feel the weight of the stress crushing me. And crying because one of my best friends is pregnant, and doing so well, and I’m so proud of her!

During all of that emotion, all of that crying and feeling and not knowing what I was feeling, I was listening to my body. I know what’s causing it (my evil ovaries) and I’m doing what I need to so I’ll feel better – napping, drinking water, eating dinner, sitting by the fan, taking meds.

Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t just neglected myself for the past thirty plus years. But. What I realized, and what I want you to know, is that I’ve never been able to listen before. I’ve never had the clarity to recognize that what I was doing was listening to my body. This is a big step for me. Two steps forward again.

Dear My Love

Hello again my friends. I would like you to meet someone. This is the newest member of my family. His name is MyLo.

MyLo is a new friend of mine. No, I haven’t replaced Oliver or Donovan; just added to them. That journal he’s holding is one I started writing in on July 1, 2007. And it was the inspiration for this cute bear, and for his name. You see, the journal contains letters to My Love. (Are you following? MyLo?)

I don’t know who or where he is right now, but I know he’s out there somewhere. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that God will bring him to me. For the past couple of years I’ve been hiding behind something that isn’t real because I thought it would help me feel better, but it’s only made me lonelier. So I bought MyLo. He sits on my bed with his brothers and when I need a tangible reminder that I won’t always be alone, I go talk to him, or give him a squeeze. Isn’t he sweet?

Two Is Better Than One

I find it interesting that “only” and “one” can both be found within the confines of “lonely”. When you hear those words, doesn’t part of you feel the loneliness? Just a little? Fascinating the way the mind works. Another one I like is how “being” and “begin” use the same letters. Food for thought.

Speaking of food and thought – can someone PLEASE explain to me why “donut holes” are the name given to the circles taken from the middle of  the donut, when the actual donut “hole” is what’s left behind? This has bothered me for years!! I will buy a donut for anyone who can explain this to me satisfactorily.

Back to our topic of the day:  loneliness. Now, before you get upset with me for writing a “glass half empty” post, I want to say one thing. Today is “cheer up the lonely” day! This is a topic I know all too well. My autistic tendencies kept me from recognizing the loneliness for most of my life, but it was there, and it still affected me. Now that I’m out of the cave and walking along the beach* I’ve found the clarity to really examine loneliness, and I’d like to share what I found.

To be precise, I found an article by Dr. Ken Matto called “Loneliness:  Bane of the Christian Single.” If you want to read it you can find it here: http://www.scionofzion.com/loneliness.htm. One thing that really stood out to me was when he said loneliness is like a disease, and “if we allow the symptoms to just exist without investigation, the consequences may be more serious”. I didn’t personally experience all of the symptoms he addressed, but some were familiar, and looking back I see how ignoring them only made it worse. He went on to mention some causes that are out of our control. I haven’t experienced any of those.

Then he listed some causes that are under our control. One of those described me pretty well. Do you know what that told me? I had control. So I was encouraged, and kept reading. He discussed several realities of loneliness, beginning with “loneliness is a choice”. Those four words hit me like Optimus my friends. Was I choosing to be lonely rather than choosing to go out and enjoy the amazing blessings God has brought to my life?

There is a difference between feeling “lonely” and feeling “alone” (more than losing the word “only”). Neither is pleasant, or of God, but one thing I know for sure is that loneliness is a choice that I no longer make. I may have some social awkwardness from my autism (if you know me at all, you’ve probably realized the problem is more that I make other people feel awkward in social situations; I’m blunt and don’t have much of a filter), but I won’t let it stop me from living outside of the cave.

Now for the cheering up part. We all have different things that make us happy, most of them based on our life experiences, which are as unique as we are. (One of these days I’ll post my always-in-progress “list of happy”.) So if you’re not cheered up simply by the fact that I’m free and on the beach, maybe this will help:



Huh? What’s not happy about this?? That’s right my friends, that was me in the summer of 2006. Got my hair in braids, tongue out (I love my tongue!) – ditched the glasses but I still have that hoodie! And the chin! [lol] Six years have sure changed some things, though. Cheers my friends!

*If you missed the meaning behind this metaphor, check out “My Wellness Journey” at http://www.mellenasmind.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-wellness-journey.html.

My Wellness Journey

[Post three of four today. Another long one. I know. It’s a lot for one day; but if you’re honest with yourself, you know you love it. I heard once that the definition of addiction is when you keep needing more of something to be satisfied. Let’s face it my friend. You’re here again. I’m an addiction.]

I would like to share with you about my wellness journey. In some ways it’s one that I started over a decade ago, when I became vaguely aware of the concept of “feeling well”. One of those moments when you know something’s missing, but you aren’t really sure what it is or how to get it. The details are pretty fuzzy until about five years ago. In the summer of 2007 I left my job as Para educator at the Northwest Children’s Home and started working at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store in Clarkston, WA. At this point, the longest I had been able to keep a job was about 20 months (and that was only once, until now; next month will be two years here so far!).

Before, I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t hold on to what it was or find the words to express what I thought it might be. I had briefly considered depression or anxiety while in University, but the meds made me sick, and the way those disorders were explained – they just didn’t fit. I knew it had to be something else.

I wish I could tell you exactly what happened that summer five years ago, outline the steps I took, provide a list of books I read or YouTube videos I watched; but to be honest, I have no idea how it started. I’m left with just one conclusion:  it was a God thing. The time had finally come for me to move forward in a big way.

Another thing that isn’t clear to me is when I realized I was changing. Other than losing about 25 lbs that summer (only ten of which I gained back later), there wasn’t much difference. At least not in obvious ways. Looking back on it a few years down the road, a good friend of mine said, “It was like you’d been sleeping, and you just woke up.”

I love metaphors. And being a visual person, this was one that I could easily understand. So I embraced the concept as I continued to grow stronger. By 2009 I had basically hit a plateau as far as my size and weight (I'm down three pant sizes, though to my utter annoyance, certain parts continued to grow rather than shrink), and I began to see myself in a different way. That is to say, I began to see myself. Up to this point, when asked how I saw myself, I would have said “it’s like I’m in a deep well looking up at this shell of a person that everyone else sees, and no one can hear me screaming for help.” That’s really how I felt, until I “woke up”.

When I finally started to see myself, to crawl out of the well and be that person that everyone else saw, I noticed things about the way I dressed and acted that bothered me. They didn’t reflect me. It was like looking in the mirror and not seeing your own reflection; I saw a stranger, and I didn’t particularly like her. I also had a revelization (not a real word, but it works for me):  if I want to get married and start a family (which I did, and do, desperately want) I need to draw him in with what’s on my outside before I can keep him with what’s on my inside. Now that I was out of the well, it was time to start working on the “me” that everyone else saw.

It took another year before I was able to make any significant changes. I started to dress more appropriately (like a thirty year old teaching woman rather than a sixteen year old boy), and finally started to explore the diagnosis I had been given before I left University:  I have Asperger’s.

Asperger’s is part of the Autism Spectrum of Disorders, at the “high-functioning” end, and the older you get the more difficult it is to identify and diagnose. When I first found out, I put the knowledge aside; I wasn’t ready to know that about myself or explore how it explained me. Now (we’re in the fall of 2010 at this point in the story), I was beginning to understand the significance of the phrase “knowledge is power.” I had just started the job I have now, something I was meant to do, working as an elementary Special Education Para educator in Pullman. I was moving out of an unhealthy living situation into my own place. It was time.

Another year went by, with my progress slow but forward, and as I entered the 2011-12 school year, I decided to try a “social experiment” of sorts. I changed the way I dressed, to be even more feminine, age-appropriate, and “teacher like”. Nothing else changed, my personality was still intact if not more pronounced than ever. I still felt disturbed by making eye contact and never said hi without it first being said to me. I just wore different clothes. And I was treated differently.

I had been told this would happen for years, by many friends who have had to suffer along with me on this journey of self-discovery (and I thank God every day for their patience and persistence!), but I hadn’t really understood or experienced it before. I was finally “awake” enough to understand the power of perceptions. If I want to be taken seriously as an adult I have to look the part. Another significant realization was that I could accomplish this without sacrificing who I am.

Now to the present. On June 12 I started taking Adderall for my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and have spent the past four weeks watching the sun rise on my world. The result was immediate:  I felt quiet inside, realizing for the first time that I had been living with this inner chaos. It’s not easy to explain how this felt, even with this new clarity, but I would relate it to moving out of the city. When you’re born there, and you spend every day of your life in the middle of it, the noise of traffic and people doesn’t really register. It’s just part of your world. Until you move to the country, and everything is….silent.

In this new silence I have begun to see myself even more clearly, and I can honestly say that right now, today, I am more myself than I’ve ever been, and it gets better every day. It’s still true to say that five years ago I “woke up,” but what I know now is that I didn’t crawl out of a well. When I woke up, it was to the inside of a cave, on the shore of the ocean. I could see the light outside, but I couldn’t hold my breath long enough to reach it. Sometimes the tide would come in too high and I’d feel like I was drowning. Now? I’m walking on the beach. It has rocks, and sand, and I still get hit by waves – but I’m not getting knocked over, and I can breathe.

A surprising side-effect of taking this medication is that I’ve been losing weight. I happened to weigh myself in April, and was about the same as last summer when I first started exploring changes in diet or adding exercise to my routine. Now, about two months later, I’m down ten pounds and counting. Even better, I can finally look in the mirror and see myself – and some days I even think “Hey, I look cute today.” So I’m going to continue with the changes in my diet, and add some more intensive exercise, and who knows? Maybe my outside will finally change enough that I can draw someone in for keeps.

Arrangement of Parts

[This is the second post for today. At least two more will follow. I hate odd numbers, so I can’t stop at three. Although “one” is an odd number. But if I posted twice every day I’d overwhelm my followers, and right now I only have seven. I can’t afford to upset anyone! Although seven is an odd number, too…. Again, it’s (more than) a little longer than usual, so pace yourself. Sit back and let the random wash over you. Read it twice if you have to.]

I want to explain the structure I’m going to impose on my blog posts. I realize you probably don’t care, (and if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d know that some of you wouldn’t even have noticed), but as long as you read them regularly, it directly affects you. For those of you who know me well (probably almost everyone who reads this at this point), the idea of structure shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’m autistic and ADHD. I need it to survive. So stop arguing.

Since there are several structures already in place, I’m not going to invent one. I’m going to steal one. Rabbit trail:  Before I tell you about it, I’m reminded of a quote I heard once:  “Good poets borrow, great poets steal.” It’s been attributed to T.S. Eliot (however I recently discovered a blog post in which someone tracked it’s origins check it out at http://nancyprager.wordpress.com/2007/05/08/good-poets-borrow-great-poets-steal/). I’m a poet. Among other things. It applies.

Back to structure. Drum roll please:  [dramatic pause] I’m going to use week days. Starting right now (not including what I’ve already posted) I want to have something to write about every day. Before you freak out at the thought of so much to keep up with and stop following me, take a deep breath. Ok? Good.

This doesn’t mean I’ll be able to write every day, or that my thoughts will be limited to these topics. After all, this is “Random Rambles.” Truth is, to be able to write well, I have to work at it every day. This blog offers a small amount of accountability for doing that. For July I have a goal to write every day, telling you about something that happened “on this day in history,” or participate in (some silly, some serious) holiday celebrations. When July ends, I want to have some idea of where to go on those days when I need inspiration and my shower muse doesn’t want to get wet. And don't forget, if you want to follow a specific thread of posts, click on that label at the bottom of the page to bring them up.

Sunday will be “altar stones,” thoughts regarding my relationship with God. I’ll explain the title the first time I post one. Those will include thoughts on the sermon from that morning, insights I get from my own personal Bible study, and things I want to share about when and where I’ve seen God the week before.

Monday will be “word lust,” when I’ll share a word, it’s definition, and my thoughts. I may also update you on the progress of my novel “Coming Home.” Tuesday will be “technique Tuesdays,” exploring new art concepts I’m learning. I’ll try to have photos of projects I’ve completed as well.

Wednesday will be “local business,” in which I will either introduce to someone I want you to know, or share a piece of my world here in Pullman. If you or someone you know would like to be featured, leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail. I’m looking into making a habit of this, possibly charging a small fee.

Thursday will be “book review,” my thoughts on something I’ve finished reading (occasionally my preconceptions of something new I’m starting). I’m always open to suggestions (although I’ve promised myself not to buy any more books until I’ve read all the ones I own!) so please leave a comment about one. Also feel free to comment on a book I’ve reviewed if you’ve read it; I love hearing what other people think. I’d like to review one book a week. I know what you’re thinking – yes, I can read a book a week. However, I’ll also be telling you about some from my “Books I’ve Read” list.I started it about ten years ago, so there are plenty of options.

Friday will be “photographs,” so I can share some of my own, as well some that I’ve found inspiration from. One of these months I might try my own version of the 30-Day Photography Challenge. Finally, Saturday will be “wellness journey” posts (more on that in today’s next post). That’s it. Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?