I Speak to Me

This afternoon I decided to take a nap. I haven’t been taking many lately, which is a positive change, I have more energy and focus. But I’ve been feeling nauseous and tired for two days, so I opted for a nap. I woke up feeling even worse, with a headache on top of everything.

I took some Excedrin Migraine, put an ice pack on my neck (a cloth one filled with rice that Crystal made for me!), and settled in to get some work done. I waited about an hour to put my contacts back in, wearing my glasses for a while instead. I drank some water. When I started to feel overheated I turned on the fan.

Later in the evening I made dinner. I actually took some time to cook – ground turkey squished into a patty, baked red potato, steamed carrots with honey – and it was relaxing and tasted good. While I was sitting here eating my food and drinking my iced tea, I realized something, and I want to share it with you.

All of these things, on their own, are not significant steps. And all of these things, for most people, are just part of life every day, when you don’t feel well you take steps to feel better. But for me, today, it was more than that. What it was – it was me listening to myself. Listening to my body, and what it needs.

I’ve been extra emotional for the past few days, crying over almost every episode of The Practice (I’ve been watching it on Netflix) – and I don’t even like the show! Crying just at the thought of having to go back to the same school next year, knowing that not enough has changed to make it better, already starting to feel the weight of the stress crushing me. And crying because one of my best friends is pregnant, and doing so well, and I’m so proud of her!

During all of that emotion, all of that crying and feeling and not knowing what I was feeling, I was listening to my body. I know what’s causing it (my evil ovaries) and I’m doing what I need to so I’ll feel better – napping, drinking water, eating dinner, sitting by the fan, taking meds.

Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t just neglected myself for the past thirty plus years. But. What I realized, and what I want you to know, is that I’ve never been able to listen before. I’ve never had the clarity to recognize that what I was doing was listening to my body. This is a big step for me. Two steps forward again.