I’ve really enjoyed writing posts every day. I’ve learned a lot of interesting things, practiced my craft regularly, and opened doors to several great conversations with my friends and family. Today I wanted to write about one of my favorite topics – my tongue. But first, I have something I need to process.
I’m the kind of person who processes things by talking about them. This can be done in several ways – phone calls, texting, chatting on Facebook or some other instant messaging program, and of course face to face. However, those all involve other people, and I often find myself alone. So I write.
I want you to know who I am, and I want to be accepted for it – the good, the bad, and the in-between. I am a child of God, a daughter of the King of Kings – that makes me a Princess, right? I am a writer, a teacher, a sister, and a friend. I am an artist. I am a genius. And I am autistic.
Those are the good things. But I am also a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. I’m lazy. I’m scared. I hurt people’s feelings. I don’t always follow thru on my commitments. I don’t always try my hardest. I don’t live up to my potential. I push people away. I’m not perfect. And I am alone.
I know that if we’re honest with ourselves, we can all make lists like these. We all have attributes and attitudes we don’t particularly like about ourselves, things we’d like to change. Some of these things are choices; other things we’re born into, and we have to choose to accept them, learn how to integrate them into our lives.
For the past six weeks or so, I’ve been learning to do this myself, to identify which parts of me are choices that I can change, and which I need to accept and learn to live with. Yesterday I saw, for the first time since leaving that cave, how hurtful one of my choices could be, so I changed it; I chose instead to walk the other way.
At the time, I thought it would be enough. But I was wrong. It was a great step in the right direction, one I neither regret nor intend to abandon. I will continue moving forward in this new direction, and it will make me stronger. God will make me stronger. However, the damage was done; I hurt someone, and I can’t take it back.
There are two things I’ve learned from the loss of this new friendship, and I want to share them with you. First, I learned that lies are like a disease; once you infect someone, breaking their trust, you hurt them deeply and it takes time and patience for that wound to heal. Even when it does, you may not be allowed back in.
Second, I learned that I’ve let loneliness create a giant hole in my heart, and I’ve been trying to fill it with the wrong things. I want so badly to feel a connection to other people that I’ve focused my time, thoughts, and energy on friendships. Meanwhile, God is standing next to me saying, “What about Me?”
I’m not saying I should give up on my friends, ignore everyone I know, and become a hermit. I’m saying I need to find my strength and peace in my relationship with God, let His supernatural presence and love fill that hole. Only then will the friends He brings into my life be a blessing.
So when I feel overwhelmed with loneliness and it fills me with anger, instead of turning to Facebook or my phone to ease that pain….I want to go to God.